Veering

I believed I was prepared for a significant psychological change as a result of opting out of consumerism. This change is much more profound than I expected. At first I experienced relief and elation, countered by moments of deep despair; then it started to seem normal, and guilt set in heavily when I had weak moments and made choices that felt wrong. Right now life doesn't look like much fun ... but then again, life isn't supposed to be fun. Really, I couldn't possibly manage to take all the pleasure out of my life even if I wanted to. Life has a funny way of not allowing that. I can only assume that my new outlook will eventually not be new, and that what feels unsettled right now will seem less so as I become more rooted in this purpose. Right now, I feel alienated. I don't have much to offer my friends. I am feeling the pulls of consumption more than ever, an indication that the power of the greed-based culture to create needless wants is even stronger than I suspected. However, I do not fear the long road that lies ahead ... even though around every corner is something unexpected, my eyes are fixed on the potential for a better world after I'm gone. Whether any of these words are helpful to anyone, I have no idea. I will try to offer more concrete solutions than just collections of my thoughts ... but it would be false to my own experience not to document how hard it is to disentangle one's identity from that of the larger culture. In many ways we are our stuff, and modern conflicts large and small appear to derive more often than not from this thirst for acquisition. It's freaking me out.